You gnome what I'm sayin'?

I completely forgot to post photos of my Halloween Costume this year.

Pretty last minute I decided to be a Garden Gnome. I think it was my favorite costume ever.

I thrifted, made and had everything I needed.

Hat- Crocheted in the round out of stash yarn from inherited from my Great Grandma.
Beard- Crocheted base and filled in with fringe, also from inherited stash. I used buttons to connect the beard and hat.
Vest- Thrifted for $2
Animal Suspenders- Thrifted for $2
White long sleeve shirt-Thrifted for $3
Green Shorts- Thrifted for $1
Tights- Owned
Boots- Owned

I also found that the hat and beard has many uses....including elf costumes for Christmas caroling.

Flight or fight. Panic! Panic!

I am learning that fighting fear is hard. I know that it is there for a reason, like any other emotion.

It is also an emotion that is not learned but innate. You are born with it. The emotion of fear is likely to happen with any sudden intense stimulation. It is a primitive, automatic response that is meant to keep us safe. Like a panic alarm to warn you to prepare to flee or fight.

Often, you quickly realize that you are not in any danger and you no longer feel startled.

Now, being that it stems from things unexpected, I do not understand it as well as other emotions and have a hard time dealing with it. That and like any other tough, independent person, I hate admitting when I am scared to myself, let alone anyone else.

What is learned is what to be afraid of. You learn observing others or from your own experiences and associate certain things with those experiences.
Smells, tastes, places, songs, feelings.

The only other two believed innate emotions are delight and anger.
I wish that the same things didn't seem to bring all three. It would be so much easier to know what to fight for and what to run away from.

Something Old, Something New

I moved into a nice new little place with my old roommate Sarah May.

It took us a few month to get all nice and settled in.

After careful placement of thrifted finds and fantastic grandparent heirlooms, we had a House
Warming/Holiday Party.

We served hot apple cider with rum and hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, along with cheese and cracker, fruit and cheese plates.














It turned out really well and despite all the snow, a decent amount of people we care about showed up.

Sup'dates.

I have been so busy lately.
So much nonstop, but it is really good for me.

I recently picked up a second job working at a yarn store.
It is a very nice change and a wonderful group of people.
The environment is comfortable and fabulously creative.
I feel very fortunate to have this opportunity.

I got a part in a play called The Ninth Circuit, written by Robert Bruce Lindsay.
I start rehearsal on January 4th.
I will be playing the part of Wilma-
female attorney, middle aged, respectable, independent and strong
I am extremely nervous about this, but also very excited.
It will make winter go by faster and be a challenge that I am really looking forward to.

My band has practiced a few more times and we played a show in the middle of the street during a Holiday Parade and event. We played facing each other, even though I forgot half of my tambourine parts, it sounded pretty fantastic.
We will be recording a 7inch soon.

I will try to update with the things I make for Christmas.

Quite the ride.

Quite the ride....isn't that what you called it?
I am trying to get off.
You, the operator just aren't letting me.
I am not buckled in and I am screaming.
You don't care.
The circles, it just keeps going.
Do you get off on the way it makes my stomach twist?
The up and down and up and down and down and down.
I lift my hands in the air, but only because I have given up.
As you did.
Hurry, take the picture, I want to see it at the bottom, when it ends.
I want to see just how scared and stupid I look.
I'll need a framed reminder, a souvenir.
Even if it will cost me too much.

Raining and Pouring

The weather was gray and storming, completely matching my face.
I had lost something I had been holding on to.
Well, more clinging to than holding on.
Deserving nothing more than a repeated email.
Copy, paste, send.
I felt like an idiot for not letting go the first time.
My bike got a flat tire, over a mile from home.
My face collided with a sign, nearly breaking my nose.
Frustrated, hopless, fucking angry.
When it rains, it really does pour.
Good thing it masks your crying.
I keep telling myself to let go, let go.
It is always followed by, we will never know, never ever know.

Attached to evidence of memories.

As I pack away my life into boxes that I will just unpack next week, I am realizing more and more how attached I am to these material things. I combine everything with memories and I am terrified that getting rid of them will force/allow me to get rid of the memories. I save everything in boxes that I never look in. I surround myself in the clutter of things that came from a moment when I was smiling or maybe even crying. A bag of half eaten M & Ms, a broken shot glass, scraps of paper, all useless, garbage, but all things I have a hard time parting with. Sitting here staring at it, sticking out of the trash can I feel guilty.
I know I wont forget most of these memories, I just need to write them down more often.
I'm also having a difficult time trying to figure out exactly how I want to live. I want these things, but I also want nothing. I want to keep those shoes for that outfit, but I also want to live with just one pair of shoes. I want to keep that dress for that day when I get asked out on that date, but it has sat in my closet, with tags sticking out like a reminder for nearly two years now.
I wish I could just leave it all behind. Just go. With my back pack and my bicycle. I probably wouldn't miss it once I was gone.