Monday, September 21, 2009

Attached to evidence of memories.

As I pack away my life into boxes that I will just unpack next week, I am realizing more and more how attached I am to these material things. I combine everything with memories and I am terrified that getting rid of them will force/allow me to get rid of the memories. I save everything in boxes that I never look in. I surround myself in the clutter of things that came from a moment when I was smiling or maybe even crying. A bag of half eaten M & Ms, a broken shot glass, scraps of paper, all useless, garbage, but all things I have a hard time parting with. Sitting here staring at it, sticking out of the trash can I feel guilty.
I know I wont forget most of these memories, I just need to write them down more often.
I'm also having a difficult time trying to figure out exactly how I want to live. I want these things, but I also want nothing. I want to keep those shoes for that outfit, but I also want to live with just one pair of shoes. I want to keep that dress for that day when I get asked out on that date, but it has sat in my closet, with tags sticking out like a reminder for nearly two years now.
I wish I could just leave it all behind. Just go. With my back pack and my bicycle. I probably wouldn't miss it once I was gone.

2 comments:

Joan In Reno said...

I feel just like that. I want it all yet I want to simplify and be surrounded by very little, mostly crafty stuff. It must be genetic.

Yell said...

I have exactly the same issue.

I've gotten better about throwing things away. Start small: the useless stuff you'll never use. Allow yourself one shoebox of "waste."