Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Something Old, Something New

I moved into a nice new little place with my old roommate Sarah May.

It took us a few month to get all nice and settled in.

After careful placement of thrifted finds and fantastic grandparent heirlooms, we had a House
Warming/Holiday Party.

We served hot apple cider with rum and hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, along with cheese and cracker, fruit and cheese plates.

It turned out really well and despite all the snow, a decent amount of people we care about showed up.


I have been so busy lately.
So much nonstop, but it is really good for me.

I recently picked up a second job working at a yarn store.
It is a very nice change and a wonderful group of people.
The environment is comfortable and fabulously creative.
I feel very fortunate to have this opportunity.

I got a part in a play called The Ninth Circuit, written by Robert Bruce Lindsay.
I start rehearsal on January 4th.
I will be playing the part of Wilma-
female attorney, middle aged, respectable, independent and strong
I am extremely nervous about this, but also very excited.
It will make winter go by faster and be a challenge that I am really looking forward to.

My band has practiced a few more times and we played a show in the middle of the street during a Holiday Parade and event. We played facing each other, even though I forgot half of my tambourine parts, it sounded pretty fantastic.
We will be recording a 7inch soon.

I will try to update with the things I make for Christmas.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Quite the ride.

Quite the ride....isn't that what you called it?
I am trying to get off.
You, the operator just aren't letting me.
I am not buckled in and I am screaming.
You don't care.
The circles, it just keeps going.
Do you get off on the way it makes my stomach twist?
The up and down and up and down and down and down.
I lift my hands in the air, but only because I have given up.
As you did.
Hurry, take the picture, I want to see it at the bottom, when it ends.
I want to see just how scared and stupid I look.
I'll need a framed reminder, a souvenir.
Even if it will cost me too much.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Raining and Pouring

The weather was gray and storming, completely matching my face.
I had lost something I had been holding on to.
Well, more clinging to than holding on.
Deserving nothing more than a repeated email.
Copy, paste, send.
I felt like an idiot for not letting go the first time.
My bike got a flat tire, over a mile from home.
My face collided with a sign, nearly breaking my nose.
Frustrated, hopless, fucking angry.
When it rains, it really does pour.
Good thing it masks your crying.
I keep telling myself to let go, let go.
It is always followed by, we will never know, never ever know.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Attached to evidence of memories.

As I pack away my life into boxes that I will just unpack next week, I am realizing more and more how attached I am to these material things. I combine everything with memories and I am terrified that getting rid of them will force/allow me to get rid of the memories. I save everything in boxes that I never look in. I surround myself in the clutter of things that came from a moment when I was smiling or maybe even crying. A bag of half eaten M & Ms, a broken shot glass, scraps of paper, all useless, garbage, but all things I have a hard time parting with. Sitting here staring at it, sticking out of the trash can I feel guilty.
I know I wont forget most of these memories, I just need to write them down more often.
I'm also having a difficult time trying to figure out exactly how I want to live. I want these things, but I also want nothing. I want to keep those shoes for that outfit, but I also want to live with just one pair of shoes. I want to keep that dress for that day when I get asked out on that date, but it has sat in my closet, with tags sticking out like a reminder for nearly two years now.
I wish I could just leave it all behind. Just go. With my back pack and my bicycle. I probably wouldn't miss it once I was gone.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Pity this fool.

Freehand embroidered on white velvet, complete with gold wire and beads and a gold spray painted frame.

Royal pain in the ass.
Happy Birthday, Fool.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I woke up with a bloody nose...

and all I could think about were those times I woke up to find my mom with a bloody nose....

Thursday, July 30, 2009

You gotta feel it.

Tonight is one of those nights where I keep feeling like something is missing.
I know it's one of those things that I won't find, no matter where I look.
It is not in my closet or under my bed, it isn't between the lines in the book I am trying to read.
It isn't in the fridge or our cupboards, it is not in the messages I have read or listened to a hundred times.
It may be deep inside this little body of mine or maybe a few thousand miles away.
What if it is hiding from me? What if it has disguised itself as something else? Maybe it is looking for me. What if it is just waiting for me?
I can't hold still and my mind is racing, it wants to make decisions that will just have to wait.

Maybe I just need to go dancing, I haven't done that in a while...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Zine Machine

I went to the Portland Zine Symposium last weekend.
I had no idea what to write a zine on.
I don't think of myself as a writer.
I made a short book, really, it was just a few drawn pictures with some short text.
I based it off of the questions people ask themselves.
Education, religion, money, love, sexuality, time, those type-a things.
I was pretty happy with it, I thought it was very me.
After going to the Symposium and seeing everyones, it looks like shit, but that will just push me to do better next time.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Comfortably Unhappy

It seems there is a time coming that I am not ready for.
It looks like growing up and moving on is a blink away.

I am not sure when the time comes that you have to stop counting on other people.
I feel like that time was always there.
I can be independent.

Sometimes you just end up in a comfortable situation and forget.
It is no ones fault. It is all circumstance.
Comfort stops people from doing a lot.

Your job sucks, but its comfortable, so you don't look for another.

You have friends who suck the life out of you, but hey, friends are comfortable, so you keep them.

These socks have so many holes, but they are the most comfortable, I wear them.

A relationship may not be right, but it is comfortable, so you stay.

The couch is just so comfortable, so you don't get up.

Reno is comfortable, so I haven't left.

It is difficult to know you need change but not know what it is or how to get there.
It is too scary to even start.
What is already known is routine and stable.

Being comfortably unhappy just seems too easy.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Somedays stagnant.

I realized today that sometimes settling sounds like a good idea because it feels like a step forward.
For a minute it just feels better then being stagnant.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


Some days I think about how I have always settled and how I should never do that again.

Other days I think about how I have always settled and I think maybe there was a reason for that.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

But it's not sweet

Love fell away
like dreaming
of dreaming
Surrender, but it's not sweet
dandelion chain
across fallen shoulders
breathe in
sucked out
angels in waiting
cracked sidewalks
twisted trunks
hands on spines
Shaking, but it's not sweet
love fell away
like dreaming
of dreaming

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Craft Swap 1

I did a craft swap through craftster.
I claimed a girl named Claire.
I made a cross stitch flower, with out a pattern and decorated the frame.
I also bought a shrug from the thrift store and freehand embroidered a peacock feather and some swirly stuff.Luckily it fits her perfect.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Beat It.

A lil' Micheal Jackson for a lil' Mykee Shaffer.
Happy Birdday.

Tip-toe through the tulips

My mommas Bday/Mothers Day present.
I didn't like making this. I am not too excited about fairies....but I know Mother will love it.

Are you all in or folding?

I fucking hate how much better at this you are than I am.
I feel like I am becoming a deck of well played cards.
Starts out fun...entertaining...a gamble...a way to waste time...
Maybe I have bet too much, with stakes that are just too high.
I have to stop laying everything on the line.
No one ever wins. I just always hope I will.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Prepare for the Apocalypse

I made this for Jeremy for his birthday.
My camera sucks for color and clearness...sad face.

Simple cross stitch put into a thrift store frame.

Can't forget what is written.

You know it was a good time when you wake up and look at messages from the night before....

The technology of text messaging will probably be the death of many, the embarrassment of most and the cause of as many fights as Myspaces Top 8.

My new favorite website..... textsfromlastnight


(870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
(1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
(870): what chic?

Monday, April 20, 2009

the perks of being a wallflower III

"And how different her face looked when she realized boys thought she was pretty. And how different her face looked the first time she really liked a boy who was not on a poster on her wall. And how her face looked when she realized she was in love with that boy."
Ahh, the firsts, how I miss the firsts.

"if she says no, you have to assume she means it..."
If only ever little boy had gotten this advice and followed it.

"Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons."
I just had this.

"I don't know how to dance slow very well either, but I do know how to sway."
Story of my life.

"The inside jokes weren't jokes anymore. They had become stories."
When they are friends this is happens.

"And I could hear all these songs on the radio, but the radio wasn't on."
This seems to happen at the best and worst times of your life.

"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things."
We can. We will.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Gardening 101

Trimming rose bushes in a miniskirt and v-neck t-shirt is probably not a good idea.
I look like I got in a serious street fight with about 12 stray cats.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

It is spring....

I feel love sick.

33 Million Dollars...

A woman in Sparks Nevada won Megabucks this week.

What does that look like?
Times 11.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

the perks of being a wallflower II

"And I was glad that everyone seems as happy as they seemed."
I never think that people "seem" happy in moments. During that second; you are, or you aren't.

"Old pictures look very rugged and young, and the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are."
They always seem like their smiles are a lot more real and a lot bigger.

"It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy, too."
Exactly as it says on this one....

"It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life."
I know that kiss.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Gay Prom

I went to Gay Prom with my friend Tyler this weekend.
The theme was Mad Hatters Ball.

I had a lot of fun putting together our outfits.

My dress started out as a plain blue 80s dress.
I had this dress left over from an ugly dress birthday party I had a few years back.
I cinched a little up in the front and added the orange ribbon there along with the waist and a flower in the flower cluster.
I cut the roses out of some fabric I picked up somewhere, and fabric glued them on the bottom half of the dress.
I had already put a lot of effort into the dress, so I based our outfits on that.

For Tys outfit, we hit the thrift stores and found him some slacks, the perfect color blue vest, and a yellow and white striped shirt. We picked up the plain orange hat from a costume store.
I made the cummerbund, which had to be very thick due to the short vest and the bow tie.
They turned out better than I thought they would since sewing isn't my strong point, I have never made either, didn't have a pattern and had no clue where to start.

I made the hairpiece and hat decoration out of orange ribbon that I sewed into roses, tulle, and a few feathers.

We were definitely one of the most colorful sets of people there.
It turned out to be the best prom I have ever attended.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Gimme the loot...gimme the loot....

Huh, word to mother, Im dangerous...

When I bust my gat motherfuckers take dirt naps
Im all that and a dime sack, where the paper at?

(Pauls Notorious B.I.G. Pillow)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Gold and Heartache.

I don't have much to say about this.

Oh Rats.

Mr. Roboto

A friend for a friend.
I hate him.
But he loves him.

Write or Die....

For my scifi and metal lyric writing friend.
What can I say, I am all about trying to inspire.

Seeing tomato.

For someone who hates tomatoes.

the perks of being a wallflower I

I am re-reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
Different things pop out at you when you revisit a book depending on what you are going through and where you have been since the last time.
I've decided to document the lines that do this time.
See if they change the next.

Here is the start.

"A month later, my sister met another boy and started playing happy records again."
Music says a lot.

"Sometimes, my dad calls her beautiful, but she cannot hear him."
And if you do hear it, you don't always believe it.

"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve."
I wonder what I think I deserve.

"Then, I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be."
The quiet puts mine where they shouldn't to be.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


Yet another birthday present.
Liz and Sarah May both got one.
It is a stock penis.
Totally customizable. Haha.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

wishin on stars crying at the moon

I have needles in my mouth
and daggers in my eyes
My ears are ringing
and its no surprise
I am back where I started
only worse than before
I should have known better
but I opened all the doors
Ill just keep on smiling
so you never know
Ill cross my fingers
and decide where to go
Ill try to step forward
never back back back
Think of other things
get off that damn track
Goodbye stay safe
new scars more fears
Goodnight sweet dreams
new nightmares more tears
Always too much too soon
wishin on stars crying at the moon

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Make Believe

I had a dream that we spent all day under covers.
Cozy and comfortable.
When we finally stepped out into the world it was still.
We walked a while, stopping every few steps due to my distractions.
Eyes wide and giggling.
You trying to keep me on track.
Besides the occasional pigeon we were the only noise.
But we didn't notice.
I picked up a caterpillar and carried him until we found a tree.
I complained that it was too small to climb and set him on a leaf.
Still no one.
We still didn't notice.
We found a patch of green, green grass.
Laid on our backs and watched the clouds.
We saw the same things forming.
I made up stories of magical carpets and far away lands.
You told me it's all make believe.
Everything is make believe.
I cried and said it wasn't.
You caught what tears you could.
Assuring me that sometimes even make believe is real.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

No bunny til some bunny loves you....

I made Amber a lil bunny back in October for her birfday.
Complete with scarf!

Monday, March 9, 2009


I sit here for hours.
I feel like I am searching for an answer with out a question.
Like something will just appear like that idea light bulb in cartoons.
My thought bubbles are empty, oh but they keep coming.
Something deep inside is fighting to come out.
I'm pushing to keep it in.
It is my own personal boogie man.
He almost never shows his face until I am alone.
I can run and tell people he is there, but no one sees it.
Who is going to tell me he doesn't exist?
Who can tell me he isn't real?
Look under the bed and in the closet.
Turn out the lights.
I am scared.
You can only hide under covers for so long.
You can only hold your breath for so long.
I need a nightlight.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Lost Child

Everyone had warned me that she was crazy.
She would sleep with or suck anything.
She got naked on couches in rooms full of strangers.
She was so young and a recovering heroin addict.
They left me alone with her on the porch.
She asked my name, I told her.
She told me her friends suck, that they never call.
She asked me if I have ever felt like I just didn't fit in.
I felt like saving her.
Then I felt like I wanted nothing to do with her.
Which made me feel horrible.

I am always ok...

Sometimes things change everything you thought you knew.
Sometimes they drag up old emotions you thought you were past.
I am questioning my strength.
I am questioning my coping.
I am always ok...as long as I don't stop to think.
I am always ok...as long as I go with the flow.
I am not sure where I am meant to be.
I am pretty certain it isn't here.
Something is missing.
I just want to be happy.
I am always ok...

Monday, March 2, 2009

Nose in a book....


This website is pretty neat.
You can track what you've read, what you are reading and what you plan on reading.
You can score the books and add comments.
You can add friends.
Because you know, there are others like you.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

but where?

Forget to breathe.
Wind, warm sun, the rain.
Everything reminds me.

I lost what I thought I knew.
Between here and there.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Step back. Breathe.

Where did your patience go?
Step back. Breathe.
When did your walls fall?
Step back. Breathe.

It's too easy to imagine.
You're forgetting so much here.
It's to hard to forget.
You're imagining to much here.

Where did your sensibility go?
Step back. Breathe.
When did being realistic fail?
Step back. Breathe.

Your thoughts are wild here.
It seems to be everything.
Your dreams are crazy here.
Everything can't be what it seems.

Step back. Breathe.
Mouth clamped.

Friday, January 30, 2009

This is where I'll be.

Off to the land of drunken fools where everyone is not yet my friend.
I'll cross my fingers for another sing-a-long in a old dive bar.
With a woman with a deep voice and a man with a pock marked face.
The bartender, a lady who smokes to much.
She gains youth through watching youth.
A jukebox of my childhood.
My heaven, under a smoke stained roof.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Just Hold

She has rats in her hair and smells like poison.
Like blood and fire and too many tears.

Her eyes, so dull, they hold no passion.
Only look on to no hope and all fears.

Her skin is pale but etched by emotion.
The only way she knows to escape the hell.

Her mouth is twisted like it’s never smiled.
Small, lips stitched to the face of a doll.

Her body, so small, it lacks all substance.
Just like a bird, so brittle, so frail.

Her hands, they clench, afraid to let go.
Her grip, so tight, everything shatters.

She keeps quiet, but her pain it is so loud.
How is it no one can hear her?

Just hold her, please hold her.
Tell her it’s ok to be scared.
Just hold her, please hold her.
Show her the scars you bare.
Just hold her, please hold her.
She may not know you care.